Sorry

Apologies for being the coward I am

I stare into the mirror and reflect on what I did to you, the things I said, and the things I did. I thought of the things I didn’t even do, like showing you how much you mean to me. I lied in many ways and omitted the truth because I was scared of you seeing me and not running away. Everybody runs away at some point, and I guess I pushed you to do so too. Sorry is all I can say right now, if you’d take it, because I did the one thing I promised not to do. I broke your heart.

Self-sabotage has always been the go-to whenever I find something I love. I could see you hurting; I could see the pain in your deep brown eyes, and as much as I hated every moment of causing you pain, I figured the only solution was to tear myself away so you could have a semblance of freedom. Why did I think that was what you needed when you were happy with the truth? Happy with knowing that I felt like I wasn’t enough and that was enough.

I blamed you for all my insecurities and pushed you away. I made you the villain in my head and then turned myself into the villain of us, corrupting every magical moment we had together. I made promises to you, to protect and cherish, to be there and love you always. Now there is only one that I still keep. I still love you; I never stopped, and till my heart stops beating, I probably never will.

I’ll leave you this with my number and hope and pray every single day that you find the strength to open it and the grace to pick up the phone and call. I will sit by the phone waiting for you, and one day if you do call, I will say I am sorry. I will say it till my voice gets hoarse and gritty, till I am crying out the tears I have been holding back, and till that part of your heart that I broke finally heals.

Life never really gives do-overs, but if by some miracle we do have another chance, I’ll make sure that I will be different, that we will be different, and that I will give you my respect and love, and instead of hiding the darkness within me, I’ll stretch my hand in faith knowing you’d take it and walk through the storm with me.

I love you; I am sorry for everything.

We always struggle with being vulnerable because it is the moment we give someone we care about ammunition to judge us and hope they don’t. Most of us never even give them a chance but if we don’t learn then we would end up in regret and when it’s too late we are writing letters like this. Say it… even when it hurts because hiding it is damaging both to yourself and to your relationships.